5 Reasons To Say F$#K Mistletoe

Fuck mistletoe. It’s a disgusting creepy MURDERER that should be erased from our list of a holiday traditions.

Here’s five reasons that prove why its nickname Devil’s Fuge is fitting; it’s Satan’s accomplice.


Mistletoe is a holoparasite meaning it can’t live without attaching itself to a host, then living off the host’s nutrients, water, and photosynthesis. Once the host is drained it dies, and the murderous mistletoe crawls onto its next victim.

Mistletoe’s basically Shang Tsung.

It uses a haustorium, which is similar to an acidic dick, to leech off its host. The unwanted acid cock penetrates the host plant’s cell wall and siphons nutrients from the space between the cell wall and plasma membrane without penetrating the plant’s cell membrane itself. GROSS.

The symbolism of a parasitic plant hanging in our houses so people can mooch smooches is disgusting. Fuck this plant, and that tradition. 


Here’s the breakdown of the word mistletoe.

Mist is German for excrement AKA shit. Tan is English for twig AKA stick. = Shit Stick

So rip that poo plant off the top of you door frame, throw it in a bag, light it on fire, and put it on your neighbors porch because it has no business anywhere near kissing lips or kids opening gifts. Nasty ass dooky plant. 


He sang the song ‘Mistletoe’ on his second album Under The Mistletoe, and that song fucking sucks. So fuck that album, and fuck the plant he’s singing about.

Maybe one day we can photoshop his music so it’s better too.


This stupid fucking plant is nature’s Rohypnol. If we ingest it we get drowsy, blurred vision, diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, weakness and seizures.

How shockingly fitting that if you stand under it you’re possibly forced by someone else to do something sexual you’re not interested in doing. I hope this asshole plant goes extinct.


The tradition of hanging mistletoe and being allowed to kiss any women who stands underneath it was started in 18th century England. It even stated that bad luck would befall any woman who refused the kiss. FUUUUUUUUUCK YOU

Women have been and continue to fight huge issues concerning equal rights, their bodies, and even motherfuckers sliding into their DMs.

The holidays are no place for them to have to deal with this bullshit too. 


Get Rape-le Toe out of our houses, churches, offices, and schools. Get your life right. You put that in your mama’s doorframe feels like you’re giving your weird uncle an excuse to be a creep.

I assume these two are brother and sister.

Same with churches…c’mon, we all know priests and kids don’t mix because they’ve mixed too much in the past.  It’s a nasty plant who uses, abuses, and forces smooches on the rest of mother nature and humanity. Fuck this plant. I love the holidays, and this motherfucker brings anything but joy to the world.


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