If you’ve ever had the notion that the White House fence seems a bit of an ancient tactic in keeping the more passionate American citizens off it’s property, you’re not alone. We’ve seen trailer parks with better security than that 6 foot high White House fence, and the secret service agree which is why they’re actually raising the fence five more feet to ensure the President stays safe and sound. Five more feet? The performers at Cirque du Soleil think that’s just precious and so do we, which is why we decided to come up with much better tactics for the President’s secret service to plan for to ensure our leader’s safety for generations to come.
1. Pay hot girls in bikinis to lounge by the fence all day and night as a distraction.
You think an 11 foot tall fence will stop somone who’s really pissed off? Nope. But we have yet to see a hot girl not be able to calm down even the most beligerent of people. They would then leave their weapons, go home and spend the rest of their evening with some gym socks.
2. Lions. A yard full of blood-thirsty lions.
You know what would keep someone from jumping any fence ever? A yard full of lions ready to rip your dick off. The President would then put a painted sign in the yard just to really frazzle the would be assassin.
3. A fucking moat would be better than an 11 foot tall fence.
A study from 2014 shows that almost half of America can’t swim. But you know what most of Americans can do? CLIMB A FENCE.
4. Get the Secret Service hammered and let them run around.
In 2015, a Secret Service agent got drunk and actually crashed a car into the White House barrier. Looks like they stumbled across a great safety plan to scare EVERYONE away.
5. Make a new fence…out of lasers.
Damn hard to climb a fence that will melt your hand and bones to a puddle of mush, don’t you think?
6. Make the entire White House lawn one volcanic pit of death.
Not only is this assassin-proof but it just looks fucking awesome. No one would ever mess with America again if this is what the President prefers to see when looking out his bathroom window.