My bosses here at Break wanted someone to report on an online AI tool that can find your celebrity lookalike. I’ll admit this isn’t my typical subject. But hey, futurism is. And this is Facial Recognition software, that some articles described as a stepping stone to true Artificial Intelligence — even if all you can do with it right now is put your picture on it to see which celebrity the AI thinks you most look like.
It’s far from perfect. For example, the AI identified Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi, the leader or “Caliph” of ISIS:
As Jewish comedian Sacha Baron Cohen:
Though who knows? Maybe the AI is just massively trolling ISIS by confusing their Jew-hating leader for a famous Jewish comedian that plays moronic bumbling Jew-haters?
Maybe we should ALL start doing that!
This got me to thinking, what about its use for casting? If the AI program recognizes art (and it does, though not always), I could feed it comic art of superheroes, and it would tell me which real-life celebrities it thought were most like the comic-book superheroes. This might could end up being used for all kinds of entertainment purposes. Including right now, for me to show you who the AI thought would be the right actors to play in a theoretical Justice League movie.
Let’s start with the Heroes, in inverse order of importance:
1. Aquaman: Joe Jonas
Yes, according to the AI, the King of The Sea and perennially lamest member of the Justice League should be played by a former member of teen-heartthrob band the Jonas Brothers:
Man. Even Artificial Intelligence won’t give Aquaman a break.
2. Cyborg: Young Thug
So my first thought was “holy crap, the AI is racist!!” Then I realized “Young Thug” is actually a rap artist.
Mind you, the AI still might be racist.
3. The Flash: Alanis Morissette
Yes, for some reason the AI thinks that the role of Fastest Man Alive should be played by a 42-year-old washed-up female Canadian singer-songwriter.
…I got nothing here.
4. Green Lantern: Valentino Rossi
Is he even in this movie? He isn’t in any of the trailer previews, but some fans are convinced he’s going to do a cameo. Anyways, if the AI was doing the Justice League and included GL, it would pick MotoGP world champion Valentino Rossi for the role.
This sort of makes sense. Even though he’s Italian, with a thick accent, and probably can’t act, Rossi sure is a man of iron willpower and total fearlessness (both of which Green Lantern is supposed to have).
Wait… is the AI selecting actors to play these characters in a movie, or is it planning to give these people real superpowers??
5. Wonder Woman: Georgina Grenville
If you’re like me, you’re thinking, “Who?” Turns out Grenville is a pretty successful South African model; today she’s 41 and is still pretty smoking hot in that “MILF” kind of way:
But she does feel just a little old to be Wonder Woman at this point, and probably a bit too blonde too.
Next it’s time for Batman. This one is hugely important, AI. Don’t screw up!
6. Batman: Ryan Adams
And it turns out the Computer’s pick for Batman is… mediocre alt-country-rock singer-songwriter Ryan Adams.
Seriously? Seriously, computer?!!
What are you seeing in Ryan Adams that the entire human race isn’t?? THIS is your Batman?? In 20 years he wasn’t able to get beyond B-list musician, how could he be the A-list superhero?!
OK, there may be some crazy 4d-chess stuff happening in your digital head, AI. But I just can’t see it. And unless you pick the most awesome most winning concept for Superman ever, I think we’re about done here. Ready?
7. Superman: Charlie Sheen
Holy crap! Yes. YES. DO IT. DO IT!!!
This is what we need now more than ever: a tiger-blooded superman, who’s made some mistakes to be sure, but still has a heart of gold and wants to try to save the world one last time!! Remember, Hollywood once came this close to making Nicholas Cage Superman, so anything is possible.
Now, we need some villains in this movie, so let’s see who we can get for the most famous DC villains:
The Joker: Grace Jones
Actually…. hey, that might just work.
Mind you, it might have worked better 20 years ago.
Lex Luthor: Tommy Lee
The AI wants millionaire super-genius villain Lex Luthor to be played by Motley Crue drummer and Pamela Anderson’s ex-husband, Tommy Lee.
Yeah, OK. I can see that. Better than the Luthor we got in the last movie, for sure.
We also have a few secondary characters likely to show up:
Alfred: Kendrick Lamar
That is.. um, a bold choice, computer!
Until now, Alfred has always been an old British white dude. The rapper who authored “Bitch, Don’t Kill My Vibe” would not have occurred to me.
Plus, if Ryan Adams was Batman? What’s the plan here, AI? Batman’s kind of a dope and Alfred’s a badass who won 7 Grammys to Batman’s 0?
Lois Lane: Charlie Chaplin
Yes, our AI looked at the love of Superman’s life and decided the best person to play intrepid reporter Lois Lane would be iconic male comedian Charlie Chaplin, who’s been dead for the last 40 years.
Unless you plan to bring on the singularity and raise/clone the dead, I’m not really sure this choice is going to work out, computer.
Finally, since we just heard that the increasingly-insufferable Joss Whedon is doing a Batgirl film, and since some kind of Batgirl cameo might happen in the AI’s Justice League film, we thought we’d ask it who it wants for Batgirl:
Batgirl: Hungarian Porn Actress Sandra Shine
Someone should tell Joss.