Welcome to “Ask a Hottie,” Break’s weekly column in which I allow my anxiety over finding an attractive photo of myself accumulate over the course of a week, typically ending in me pulling a “bleh” photo from somewhere. This one is actually better than “bleh,” it’s “meh!”
Now that’s over with, let’s get started.
Got a question? Email it to AskABreakHottie@gmail.com!
Q: First of all, no I am not gay. Let’s get that out of the way because that is what most people call me when I say I can’t keep up with my girlfriend.
My girlfriend (together 8 years) wants sex all the time. When she wakes up? Sex. Lunch? No sex because we’re working, but from the minute I walk into the house at 6:00 all she wants to do is have sex. I currently work for a start-up in Silicon Valley, and stress from my job is a constant all-hours-of-the-day thing. Girlfriend works too, but her job is more stable and consistent than mine.
When we were dating in college, her sex drive was fine since mine was through the roof too, but since we’ve graduated mine has gone down. For some reason I am not as sexually attracted to her now as I was back then, even though I’ve put on a little bit of weight over the past two years (50 pounds, but I carry it well).
The other night my girlfriend got upset and said that it feels like I don’t love her anymore. I do love her, but I am so tired and would rather sleep than fuck. How do I resolve this?
A: You already know the answer; you just don’t want to pull the trigger.
Do you want to be happy, or do you want to be successful? You’re looking at this situation like you have to choose one or the other instead of both. Sure your current job is at a start-up, but do you like working all the time? Do you like always being stressed? Do you like spending more hours at the office than you do at home? If you answered “Yes” to those questions, then go ahead and dump your girlfriend; she is not as important to you as you think she is, otherwise you’d be trying to spend more time with her than at work.
Yes, yes it is over.
But if no, you don’t like working and being constantly stressed, then why the fuck are you still at this job? Believe it or not, work isn’t everything – I don’t know how we got here, but this country puts too much stock into working and not enough into living.
That sounds like millennial garbage, but hear me out.
The January before my mom died, my parents planned on making a trip out to Key West in December. Why couldn’t they go literally any other month leading up to that? Because they were working. My mom’s cancer cleared up and with it gone she went right back to the office — and while I understand wanting at least a semblance of a return to normalcy, come on now – you beat cancer. Go on vacation goddammit!
But her cancer came back that summer. She passed away the December they planned on going down to Florida.
The point I’m trying to make here is that work isn’t everything. You need a balance between living your life and working your life away, otherwise you’re going to grow old and realize you wasted your youth sitting in a cubicle choking on your tie. Is it good to have ambition; to have drive and to want to achieve something with your career? Absolutely! But work shouldn’t be the first, last and every “thing” in the middle that you think of when you wake up in the morning. It should not consume all aspects of your life, and it should not be negatively impacting your personal life like it is now.
If it does that, it’s time for a change.
I’m not saying to quit your job or anything, I’m just saying to that it’s maybe time to manage your hours differently. Cut back a little bit, no? Turn off your work phone when you get home and don’t turn it back on until the next morning. Quit checking your email after 5:00. And if that’s not possible, then yes, find a different job and quit this one. You’ve been with your girlfriend for eight years, at this point you know she’s not a needy twat who can’t go a day without you sucking her off with a few dozen compliments here and there – so the fact that she says she’s genuinely lacking affection from you should mean something. What means more to you: this job, or your girlfriend?
And if nuking your stress levels doesn’t help your sex drive, go ahead and drop those 50 pounds you low-key fatty. Here’s a secret that everyone knows except for you: no one carries an extra 50 pounds “well.” 50 pounds is a medium-sized dog – you’re telling me you can carry a Golden Retriever on your body like it ain’t no thing? You are either lying to yourself, or everyone around you is lying to your face. Neither is good.
Being overweight can impact your libido. Hell, I eat too much at dinner and I start whining about how I’m too fat to fuck and need 12 hours to digest before I even think of sticking anything else in my mouth, including dicks. Be happy that your girlfriend still wants to fuck you even after you put on the weight-equivalent of 17 starving African children. If you were thinking of breaking up with her in favor of your job, keep that in mind – this woman will fuck, nay, WANTS to fuck you even if you’re fat. The chances you will find another girl as hopelessly and blindly in love with you as this one are slim, and if this realization doesn’t make you call into work and cut back on hours immediately, well, let’s just say I won’t be surprised when you die alone.
Got a question? Email it to AskABreakHottie@gmail.com!