Welcome to Ask A Hottie, Break’s weekly column in which this…
Coincidentally, this is the same face you’re making right now as you look at this picture.
…tells people what to do with their lives as if she has any clue what she’s doing with her own. And yes, I do agree that I look like a 3, if not a 2 in that picture. The column may be titled “Ask A Hottie,” but what fun is there in looking at pictures of semi-passably attractive people all the time? Ugly photos are more fun. Harder to masturbate to, yes, but since you’re probably reading this at work you really shouldn’t be jerking off under your desk anyway.
Now that you’re definitely jerking off under your desk to spite me, let’s begin!
Q: I am a 21-year-old college freshman who has known “Jenny” since we were 15. Jenny and I are very close, we went to prom together, graduated in the same class, and even popped each other’s cherries. If I was meant to be with someone forever it would be Jenny. We have a connection I have never found with someone else, and she openly admits that she is in love with me.
Right now I go to a college four hours away from Jenny. Jenny still lives at home and goes to community college. We have been “talking” for a long time on and off, and I told her up front that I did not want to be in a long distance relationship.
Jenny, however, wants commitment. She told me last week that if I don’t start dating her that she will cut me out of her life completely. I don’t want to lose Jenny, but I also do not want a girlfriend right now. Jenny gets jealous whenever I tell her I’m going to a party or out drinking, and I want to experience college and everything it has to offer.
I told Jenny I did not want a relationship and she told me that she hates me. She won’t talk to me and is threatening to cut me out of her life if I don’t bend to her wishes.
I don’t want a girlfriend, but I also don’t want to lose Jenny — what do I do?
A: This is one of those rare instances where you’re both wrong.
First of all, Jenny is being an idiot by giving you this ultimatum. What girl wants to say, “Oh he wasn’t trying to date me, but I forced him into it through threats and tears and now we’re living happily ever after,” when people ask how the two of you got together. Not a single healthy relationship has ever started out this way. Jenny sounds like a really annoying turd.
Jenny: all over the walls, all over your body, everywhere.
But that’s really not fair of me to say, because it sounds like you’ve been stringing this poor chick along forever. You’ve been fucking her on and off, took her to prom, have known each other for six years and SHE STRAIGHT-UP SAYS SHE’S IN LOVE WITH YOU and your response is “That’s cool, I guess” ? For as annoying as she sounds when it comes to being insecure about what you do with your free time (drinking and mackin’ on bitches, obviously), you’re not exactly making it easy for her — she’s in love with you. You won’t commit. She sees you out partying with random chicks and it hurts.
You have to get where she’s coming from, right?
Like I said, Jenny really sucks for trying to force you into dating her, but she’s totally within her right if she chooses to cut you out of her life. If she’s truly your soul mate then you shouldn’t have a problem dating her, BUT if (like I suspect) you’re just a 21-year-old idiot who hasn’t fully experienced the world and all the types of people it has to offer, I say let Jenny cut herself out. Is it gonna hurt? Yes. But is it for the best? Oh yeah.
Think of it this way — do you want to spend the rest of your college career tied to this girl who lives four hours away, doesn’t like it when you party and was willing to throw away six years of friendship just to be official on Facebook, or do you want to get drunk, fuck random chicks and have fun? It’s a shitty question that I phrased even shittier just to point out how shittastic it is, but that’s where you stand right now.
If I were you, I’d let Jenny fade out. In a few years (or months maybe, who knows?) when she’s got you out of her system and you’ve got boning anything with a pulse out of your system, you two will probably become friends again if that “bond” you speak of is truly as strong as you say. And if not? Well, at least you got the full college experience. Poor Jenny is stuck at community college watching the underachiever from 10th grade home room pick his ass in the middle of a lecture hall.
Clearly, this is a non-breakup that should be easy to win.