Photo: TriStar Pictures
Whether you’re thinking of Mike Myers (the actor) or Michael Myers (the serial killer), one thing should be clear: The world doesn’t really need more of either.
With Austin Powers getting a rumored reboot more than two decades after the first of its trilogy, and Danny McBride rebooting John Carpenter’s serial madness for an 11th installment at the same time, we think it’s time someone stepped up by putting these hallmark men in their place and saying enough already. Do you really want to know why? We’ll show you why!
Why We Don’t Need More Mike Myers (The Actor)
You’re not going to get this Mike Myers…
Mike Myers playing Austin Powers was an international man of mystery and a hairy sexy symbol. But that was damn near 20 years ago. The spy who shagged you is now more likely to be the spy who showed you his AARP card. There’s nothing sexy about AARP.
…you’re going to get this Mike Myers.
Not as sexy of a beast. Still funny, sure, but between people begging for the return of Austin Powers and Wayne Campbell, we’re just not sure it’s a good idea for legacy’s sake. If Dumb & Dumber and Zoolander can’t make historic sequels, why would these two characters be any different?
Three’s a crowd.
It was somewhere around this point Myers took it a little too far. The first one was original, the second was funny, but by the third film, we saw more man tits and gold cocks than we’d ever knowingly sign up for. Three’s a crowd, and four is…well, four makes Cameron Diaz drive off a cliff (check your movie references).
No Verne Troyer.
How can you bring back Dr. Evil and not his little miniature evil companion? If you were going to bring back Powers, you just missed the window, Mike.
Why We Don’t Need Michael Myers (Serial Killer)
He has TERRIBLE aim.
You know, for a guy who has one passion in life and one person he’s been trying to kill all this time, you’d think he could get in a death stroke once. We will say McBride tweaking the origin story (no spoilers!) might help him out a little, but come on! He’s had ten features and still can’t find a new hobby?
No really, the worst aim ever for someone whose one job is killing.
Maybe they should make it a prequel where he trains like Rocky Balboa and learns how to really stab some people. From what we can tell, he’s a self-starter, but also self-taught. If he wants to hone his craft, Malcolm Gladwell suggests a minimum of 10,000 hours, and we’re just not into elderly serial killers at this point.
If he hasn’t died yet…
After ten movies, what makes you think you can come up with something that’s going to kill this guy? He can’t kill her. She can’t kill him. This plays out like my parents’ marriage, only with less bickering.
Seriously, how many movies does it take to kill this guy?
We’re curious to see what McBride and company have in store since Rob Zombie — the strangest of directors — couldn’t come up with something original for this franchise killer. You want our suggestions?
Our Mike Myers Compromises
Mike Myers As Michael Myers
We think seeing Mike Myers playing Michael Myers could be a fresh take on both these men. Plus, you can do it in one movie. It could be funny, scary and both could hopefully die at the end. What do you think?
Mike Myers VS. Mike Myers
If you want to go deep, we’d say Mike Myers is his own worst enemy. So who better to kill Mike Myers than…Mike Myers? Let’s just throw these guys in a room and see what happens!
Mike Myers’ Dance Revolution
If all else fails, it might be time for Mike Myers to get a serious rewrite. What better rebirth is there than a trip to an electronica festival? He could kill as many people as he wants there, and we’d probably pay to see that.