Cover Photo: tostphoto (Getty Images). Cover Tweet: @ConanOBrien
When a week dies, a collection of funniest tweets is born from it for your twisted Twitter-loving pleasure. If you missed last week’s tweets, we highly recommend you not skip your weekly dose of laughs, if nothing else for your health.
Enjoy this heaping pile of hilarity, then scurry off into your weekend, but first, remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. Their blood, sweat and tweets did not come easily, but again, neither did your weekend. Side effects include loss of bladder control, heart palpitations and unplanned crying.
Tweet yourself to these, then follow us @Mandatory on Twitter.
— billy eichner (@billyeichner) December 13, 2018
How is it even possible that this kid’s face look like the mask the bad guy wore in the original Purge movie lmao https://t.co/OunJLiZM6Q
— Chris D’Elia (@chrisdelia) January 19, 2019
Everyone gets all worked up about Dan Aykroyd getting a ghost blow job in Ghostbusters yet no one says a word about the the song Undercover Angel, in which a guy gets pity-fucked by an angel
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) January 25, 2019
Does anyone have a friend who you’re suspicious actually LOVES being sick?
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) January 25, 2019
There’s a whole genre of Reddit posts where teens ask how to get vaccinated without their parents consenting.
Just. Just so you know, that’s a thing.
— Andrea Phillips (@andrhia) January 25, 2019
Roger Stone indicted for lying to the FBI, witness tampering & intimidation. Dresses like a Batman villain, wears a tattoo of the last worst scumbag (Nixon) ever to soil the Oval Office. C’mon folks…they can’t make it any easier to recognize the bad guys. Use your eyes & ears. pic.twitter.com/jG9Q2CrYmk
— Jim Carrey (@JimCarrey) January 25, 2019
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
— Emily G (@CuriouslyEmily) January 23, 2019
Is it just me or does this math not work out https://t.co/Whnlb4beaB
— Tanya Chen (@Tanya_Chen) January 24, 2019
liberals are getting out of control!! pic.twitter.com/idi4X4B5uw
— Jules Suzdaltsev (@jules_su) January 24, 2019
Congrats to whoever had gender reveal lasagna, Weezer covering TLC, and White House sinkhole on their simulation bingo board.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) January 24, 2019
An overlooked theory is that Trump thinks his kitchen is the grocery store
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) January 25, 2019
So great and fun and not scary at all to be reminded on a daily basis that our president has absolutely no idea how to use quotation marks correctly
— Asia (@AsiaDNYC) January 24, 2019
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) January 23, 2019
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) January 23, 2019
As cool as it is to learn your Uber driver is also a Coast Guard Rear Admiral, we REALLY need to end this government shutdown.
— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) January 18, 2019