Photo: Micheal Falco (@falcofoto) Courtesy of Kate Quigley
In our newest segment, standup comedian Kate Quigley takes us into the boudoir for a commonly-asked question between the sheets. Although most girlfriends might hesitate to be open about their deviant sexual side, our favorite podcaster here has no problem giving it to us straight. Please enjoy what comes next, but just the tips.
Dear Kate Q:
I have a girlfriend, and I think she’s into some stuff sexually that she’s not communicating about. I recently started to choke her a little and slap her around in bed. It seems like she’s really into it! I’ve been taking it a little bit further & further each time, but I worry about knowing when I’ve gone too far. How will I know when it’s too much?
Well, first of all, I have to tell the honest truth. I’m laughing out loud a little reading this because of the way in which you describe things with your lady. We are living in such sensitive times, and this topic touches on violence in bed and dominating women. You said you “slap her around a little bit,” and it “seems like she’s really into it.” Because I’m half-boy on the inside and a bit of a sexual deviant, I know what you mean. But we are living in a time where the PC Police could end my career for saying I laughed at the idea of you slapping a woman around.
To be clear, that is NOT why I chuckled. What’s humorous to me is that (I’m guessing) you’re a sweet guy who cares about making his girlfriend happy, which is why you’re writing. You clearly don’t want to hurt or damage her, or you wouldn’t be concerned about going too far. I’m happy for you. Now let’s get to the bottom of your question.
First of all, the most obvious answer is if she turns blue, STOP CHOKING! It’s simple really. Ludacris said it best. Men love a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets. Well, guess what. Almost every woman I know wants the same! We want a man to be sweet, sensitive, cuddly, and kind in all aspects of a relationship, that is, until the clothes come off. Then every woman alive wants the same thing. To feel desired. The secret to making a woman orgasm? Make her feel like you’ve never had better, seen hotter, or touched someone sexier. Trust me.
So much of what turns a woman on is psychological. I used to tell a joke on stage. The fastest way to make a woman come in bed is to tell her she’s right. It’s a joke, but the truth is that for women, the sex is at least as much psychological as physical, if not more. Feeling like a man is uncontrollably aroused by every aspect of your mind and body gets us as turned on as when a man feels watching two hot girls undress each other, I imagine.
Now here’s where it relates back to your question. For many women, not all, you dominating them in this way (a little hair pulling, hand on the throat, bossing them around in bed, etc.) can make them feel like you’re so turned on by them it brings out this primal, animalistic quality in you. If you’re normally a nice guy who’s suddenly this wild beast with us, we feel like we have a superpower! It can be a huge turn on, that is, if she likes it.
But (and this is a big ‘ol “butt”), you absolutely cannot just try this without finding a way to communicate first whether or not she is this type of girl. Anything you try in bed sexually, you must find a way to communicate about first for a variety of reasons. She may be too nice to stop you for fear of hurting your feelings. She may also have had a situation in her past that you don’t know about, and grabbing her throat or any form of aggressive behavior could send her into distress. This is why I always suggest, early in a relationship, that you find a way to make sex part of your conversations. Not on the first date. Not before you’ve kissed. But once you venture into the ‘hands down the pants’ arena, it’s time to find out what she’s okay with. Here’s how: Simply ask. What she likes, but maybe more importantly, what she doesn’t like.
Let her know that you are there to please her and that you always want her to be satisfied. Make the conversation about her desires and keeping her satisfied, and she can start to feel safe to tell you her real boundaries.
I personally think that sex is meant to be fun. Everyone has different desires and fantasies, but being able to share and explore them with your partner is a major relationship must. The key ingredient that is often missing is trust. Especially as a woman, you have to trust your partner completely to share these desires and boundaries.
Let me give you guys the best tip (but just the tip): The more your woman trusts you and sees your love and loyalty, the more she will open up and want to please you sexually. Many women hold back out of insecurity. Make her feel confident and watch what happens. For instance, I would never ever have a threesome with a guy I didn’t trust implicitly. But if I’m convinced that you are obsessed with how amazing I am, and you’re treating me well, I will get excited about fulfilling your sexual fantasies. The caveat is that the only way to get to a place where this can happen is to create an environment where talking about sex is healthy and encouraged.
Lastly, safe words. Create one (or several). My girlfriend uses “wait, baby.” Her man knows to stop what he’s doing immediately. My gay friend yells, “Tax Day!” Agree with your partner on a word or phrase so you both know where the line can be drawn in the sheets. If it’s funny, great. A little laughter in this moment can be good. My safe word has always been “I love you,” but we’ll get to my mental health issues another week.
Send your questions (and only your questions) to Kate at [email protected].