If American Pie and anonymous people on the Internet are to be believed, there comes a time in every man’s life where he experiments with what he can fit his dick into. Whether it’s a soda can, toilet paper roll or a hole he cut into his mattress with an x-acto knife, around the ripe ol’ age of 13 is when kids start to get frisky.
Luckily for most idiotic pre-teens, for the most part nothing will go wrong if you try to stick your dick through the hole in a donut aside from some sugary pubes. But what about sticking your dick into a coconut? That’s what one intrepid kid was determined to find out, as he was currently living in Northern Mozambique (a coastal southern African country) and just like any other kid his age: horny.
His mom, at the time, was going through a health kick and would buy several coconuts a week to use in her cooking:
Unfortunately there was some severely stressful examinations coming up for me and as such my fapping reached a higher peak then usual and I was feeling pretty sexually frustrated. One day I hear that my mother is going to be out for pretty much the entire afternoon. Horny me decides that it would be a fantastic idea to fuck a coconut. Honestly to this day I can’t fathom why I thought that would be a good idea but my train of thought back then was clearly somewhat clogged.
I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20ish minutes of concerted effort end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into. I decide it requires some lube and grab the nearest slippery thing (some butter) before shoving it into the coconut followed shortly by my meat. I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day.
For the next week the kid continues to fuck the coconut, which he describes as being made better after every fuck by the “accumulating volumes of my semen and butter acting as a lubricant.” While disgusting, this would’ve probably been fine had it not been for one small detail:
Now before I continue I’d best mention that at the time our area was experiencing quite humid, muggy weather which exacerbated an already existing fly problem. Disgustingly fat, bloated flies were commonly found around our house and the exterminators couldn’t really do anything because it was a localized area problem that would “go away in the winter”.
About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck (I had been using it pretty much every day since then) I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room. Must be the coconut right? So I decide that I’ll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.
You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra.
I screamed, and threw the coconut against the wall which made the situation worse by spilling the contents. Hours of vigorous cock scrubbing, vomiting, and cleaning the remnants were spent reflecting on what the fuck I was doing with my life.
Brilliance at work, ladies and gentlemen. Brilliance at work.