Cover Photo: tostphoto (Getty Images). Cover Tweet: @TheDweck
When a week dies, a collection of funniest tweets is born from it for your twisted Twitter-loving pleasure. If you missed last week’s tweets, we highly recommend you not skip your weekly dose of laughs, if nothing else for your health.
Enjoy this heaping pile of hilarity, then scurry off into your weekend, but first, remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. Their blood, sweat and tweets did not come easily, but again, neither did your weekend. Side effects include loss of bladder control, heart palpitations and unplanned crying.
Tweet yourself to these, then follow us @Mandatory on Twitter.
If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss, what does smoking marijuana do?
— David Crosby (@thedavidcrosby) January 31, 2019
Eh it’s better than Fyre Fest organizer https://t.co/Cjeay6IyCw
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) February 1, 2019
if u worked at a movie theatre would u check underneath my hat for cool ranch doritos be honest pic.twitter.com/BKnKElBrdQ
— James (@CaucasianJames) February 1, 2019
can Starbucks share the script with the rest of us https://t.co/1gm1U2wCwg
— Andrew Cunningham (@AndrewWrites) January 31, 2019
Scan any large crowd scene in a major motion picture and imagine me crawling through on all fours trying to find the pistachio I dropped.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) February 1, 2019
“LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY AAAAAAAND!!!!” https://t.co/JVIbsUh3RB
— Chris Evans (@ChrisEvans) January 31, 2019
Osama Bin Laden was unavailable for comment. https://t.co/edFqSkvh9z
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) January 31, 2019
Found something new to say when I leave a room. pic.twitter.com/FzkCVjuQBn
— Rich Neville (@RichNeville) January 31, 2019
Casper’s parents were anti-vaxers. There, I said it.
— devon sawa (@DevonESawa) January 30, 2019
I’m so stressed. I think I need to disconnect and unwind.
*watches 7 Netflix murder documentaries in a row*
— Joanna Hausmann (@Joannahausmann) January 31, 2019
I just found out about non-alcoholic coffee.
— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) January 27, 2019
Maybe THIS time I refresh my Instagram feed I’ll feel whole. Nope. THIS time? Still no. Actually I feel worse. The next refresh is the one, I feel it.
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) February 1, 2019
NANCY SCORES! pic.twitter.com/qiZqHH0KXm
— Jim Carrey (@JimCarrey) January 25, 2019
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) February 1, 2019
I don’t like doing laundry but I love having done it.
— Michael McKean (@MJMcKean) January 30, 2019