Cover Photo: tostphoto (Getty Images). Cover Tweet: @ConanOBrien
When a week dies, a collection of funniest tweets is born from it for your twisted Twitter-loving pleasure. If you missed last week’s tweets, we highly recommend you not skip your weekly dose of laughs, if nothing else for your health.
Enjoy this heaping pile of hilarity, then scurry off into your weekend, but first, remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. Their blood, sweat and tweets did not come easily, but again, neither did your weekend. Side effects include loss of bladder control, heart palpitations and unplanned crying.
Tweet yourself to these, then follow us @Mandatory on Twitter.
Customer Service came back from hold and caught me peeing
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) February 15, 2019
Best headline ever https://t.co/LZ3MdI3wbE
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) February 14, 2019
I’ll never understand how someone could ever be considered successful when they still choose to live in a cold climate.
Wealth should mean never having to worry about snow drifts or black ice, no matter who is driving the town car.
— Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope) February 12, 2019
It’s called Darwinism https://t.co/NCdbJSQGpb
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) February 15, 2019
So grateful I grew up in the 70s when dick pics had to be developed at the drug store by a guy named Jim.
— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) February 9, 2019
Happy birthday to Christian Bale and Dick Cheney. (No joke. They have the same birthday) pic.twitter.com/Qixjnb4Flh
— Adam McKay (@GhostPanther) January 30, 2019
Sometimes I’m glad I don’t post exercise videos and recipies for bone broth.
— Natasha Leggero (@natashaleggero) February 12, 2019
My advice to you people. Make a commitment to do something for somebody you don’t know today. Then if you don’t do it, you won’t feel bad. And they won’t realize it because they never met you. It’s the perfect crime.
— Colin Quinn (@iamcolinquinn) February 13, 2019
Me: I’m gonna fall in love with the next person who’s nice to me
*remembers the sandwich I made for myself & saved for later*
Still me: *looking into a mirror* well hello there 😉
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) February 14, 2019
Goth Duck pic.twitter.com/acCJkA1cSV
— jake likes onions (@jakelikesonions) February 13, 2019
1999: Teenager sneaks outside home to drink alcohol
2009: Teenager sneaks outside home to smoke weed
2019: Teenager sneaks outside home to get measles vaccine
— Dave Keenan (@PunLovinLad) February 11, 2019
do couples who sit on the same side of the table deserve rights
— jaboukie (@jaboukie) February 13, 2019
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) February 12, 2019
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
— the pan-midwesterner (@panmidwest) February 13, 2019
No, he would not have. pic.twitter.com/PipEVcfKi2
— Moshe Kasher (@moshekasher) February 12, 2019