Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) Cover Image @RobHubuel (Twitter)
When a week ends, a collection of funniest tweets is born for your twisted Twitter-loving pleasure.
Give our top 20 tweets of the week a quick glance, enjoy a hearty laugh and then scurry off into your weekend, but first, remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. Their blood, sweat and tweets did not come easily, but again, neither did your weekend.
Tweet yourself to these, then follow us @Mandatory on Twitter.
Whenever a biopic gets to someone’s “down and out” period, they show them living in what looks like my apartment.
— Will Hines (@willhines) December 4, 2018
One of my blinds broke in my bedroom so I just went to CVS pic.twitter.com/0QghmXKZ7R
— andrew (@andrewnolan2) December 5, 2018
I enjoy texting old friends this time of year to ask for their address. They think they’re getting a card but I’m just looking on Zillow to see how much they paid for their home
— Rob Huebel (@robhuebel) December 6, 2018
“Here we have a leopard that hears just fine.”
“And here we have a def leppard.”
POUR SOME SUGAR ON MEEEE
— Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) December 6, 2018
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) December 4, 2018
88ing is when you smash your butt up against someone else’s butt
— madds (@whatmaddness) December 3, 2018
Nora says she wants an ice skating necklace for Christmas but I think she’ll change her mind when she sees this gorgeous Saw pendant I got her pic.twitter.com/gk4f7nt4YK
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) December 6, 2018
“Dad, was I an accident?”
“No kiddo, accidents are usually short-term problems. You were a tragedy. You are the flaw that will cause my premature death.”
— Jason (@8goingon80) November 30, 2018
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
— Gwen (@msgwenl) December 3, 2018
Jessica Simpson, Jake Gyllenhaal, Natalie Portman, and George W. Bush are trending right now and I feel like the next logical name in this sequence is “Ashton Kutcher.”
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) December 5, 2018
Did she change her name? pic.twitter.com/szPFd22PMN
— Todd Hollow Man (@todd_holloman) December 5, 2018
GAMESHOW HOST: describe your ideal date
WIFE: a romantic walk on the beach
GAMESHOW HOST: and now lets see what Brandon wrote
ME: *holds up a drawing of us eating a hot dog from opposite ends and meeting in the middle*
— Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) December 3, 2018
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
— Rads (slightly holly, ultra jolly) (@FeelingEuphoric) December 5, 2018
me: I’ve been very bad, daddy
priest: just say father
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) December 4, 2018
You do me a bite
I do you a bite pic.twitter.com/dSu4qFR0cF
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) December 5, 2018