Stock Photo: NurPhoto (Getty) Cover Tweet: @ConanOBrien
Did you know when a week dies, a collection of funniest tweets is born from it for your twisted Twitter-loving pleasure? If you missed last week’s tweets, we highly recommend you not skip your weekly dose of laughs, if nothing else for your health.
Tweet yourself to these, then follow @Mandatory.
Bannon looks like he got snapped into dust by Thanos but the dust didn’t disperse pic.twitter.com/gjzBx4aDCY
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) March 29, 2019
if fred flintstone uses his feet to power his automobile then why doesn’t he just walk to work? he’s basically just carrying his car everywhere
— kim beans (@KimmyMonte) March 28, 2019
Had my Lyft driver pick me up here instead of my therapist’s office up the street and simply said “Thank you, my liege” and nothing else when I got in. So yeah, I’d say therapy’s going well. pic.twitter.com/5wJqFXkkGZ
— Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) March 19, 2019
fuck these people https://t.co/HFc7S1PSxE
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) March 28, 2019
I honestly think “Tried to cut all funding for the Special Olympics” is the kind of thing you could make a central cornerstone of campaign ads in 2020.
— Chris Hayes (@chrislhayes) March 28, 2019
The pressure I put on an afternoon smoothie to redefine my day is inhumane
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) March 27, 2019
LA is mostly people who spent thousands of dollars on tattoos that should’ve gone to therapy.
— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) March 27, 2019
If you’re an Instagram Influencer who doesn’t have a picture of yourself in a sea of wildflowers, can I even trust your dry shampoo recommendations? SMH.
— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) March 22, 2019
i should have been asleep 500 calories ago
— maura quint (@behindyourback) March 28, 2019
had I posted this two days ago this all could have been avoided pic.twitter.com/2ncISKENNX
— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) March 28, 2019
Any guy who refers to his waitress as “hun,” “toots” or “sweetie” should be required to register as a sex offender
— Zach Svobodny (@ZachSvobodny) March 28, 2019
Why are all movies about assassins about “elite assassins” and not ones who are just doing ok and sorta dreading their next assassin performance review?
— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) March 28, 2019
Betsy DeVos owns a $40 million yacht. She could sell it and fund the Special Olympics and she wouldn’t even be out of yachts.
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) March 28, 2019
I’ve reached the exciting age where I must consider that the consequence of plucking my eyebrows is that I’m depriving the local birds of potential perches
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 28, 2019
nothing reminds me more of the summer than a st louis style hot dog pic.twitter.com/i43OCNCjrr
— Trey Smith (@SlimiHendrix) March 27, 2019