Sometimes there are news stories where the overall plot is depressing as hell, but there’s a few nuggets of gold corn sprinkled throughout what’s otherwise an overall turd that make you laugh. With that being said, is child abuse funny? No.
But is feeding someone laxatives and hot sauce funny? Fuck yeah it is. Totally sucks that the someone in this case is a four-year-old child, but that’s life. Sometimes it gives you lemonade, other times you get volcano shits.
31-year-old Danielle Miller, a mother from Pennsylvania (aka the North’s very own version of Florida), was thrown into the Lancaster County jail on Monday after she was unable to post $300,000 bond on her EIGHT felony counts. In the upset of the century, none of those felonies involved meth:
See what I mean?
While Miller has three biological children with her husband Nathan Duke, her fourth son and the victim in this case is Duke’s son from another woman. Police believe that Miller resented the kid because he wasn’t her biological child, though there’s a strong difference between “resented” and “You know what sounds like fun? TORTURE.” Because that’s basically what Miller went and did to the poor kid, though her tactics truly surpassed what any sane human being thinks of when it comes to child abuse and should be studied by future CIA agents in training for years to come.
According to investigators, Miller bound her stepson’s legs with duct tape (lame), locked him in a padded third-floor closet for hours at a time (eh, not much damage you can do with sponge walls) and “sometimes teased him by scratching the walls and saying rats were coming to get him.”
BINGO, now THERE’S some fucked up shit we can all get behind. Ever get stuck babysitting those little shitlins you call cousins? Sit down and watch The Rats of NIMH, then go to town on their bedroom walls with the threat that rats are coming to eat their eyes while they sleep. Your boss is being a douchebag? Slowly convince him through a series of meticulously planned and borderline obsessive plots that rodents are coming for his soul. It won’t be easy and it probably won’t be worth it, but the resulting news story after they throw you in the loony bin will be at least somewhat entertaining to read.
The kid was also “beaten, burned and insulted by Miller who allegedly threatened him with beatings and called him a ‘fucking pig’ with a ‘stupid fucking ugly face,'” though I do have to be a human being and draw the line here. That’s not inventive or amusing, that’s just awful. Can we bring back the rats, please?
Daily Mail reports that the child was removed from Miller’s home when a concerned relative tipped off police after witnessing her verbally, physically and psychologically abuse her stepson over the course of four months. You’d think after, I dunno, five minutes (at most) they’d be like “Oh hey maybe wrapping your kid in a sheet and taping his legs together with duct tape isn’t a good parenting approach,” but this is Pennsylvania we’re talking about. This is the state where they felt the need to explicitly state by law that catching fish with dynamite is a bad idea, as well as prohibiting residents from catching fish with your dick (you’re only legally able to use your mouth). Personally, I’m of the mind that you should be able to catch fish however you want, even if the strategy at hand is more likely to blow your leg off rather than actually nab a salmon. It’s called “natural selection” folks, and sometimes it’s best to just let nature dump a whole lot of bleach into the gene pool every now and then.
As for what the boy’s father was doing, apparently it was a whole lot of nothing. Literally. As in, Nathan Duke is also sitting pretty in jail on $100,000 bond for failing to report Miller’s abuse. When questioned by authorities, Duke reportedly said that he didn’t take his son to a doctor or hospital because he knew his injuries looked like they were from child abuse. Yet Duke could’ve kept himself out of jail had he, y’know, not subjected his son to being force-fed “poop beans” spiked with laxatives, to having hot sauce poured into his mouth and then being forced to sit on the toilet and shit on command. Most adults pay good money to get their colon cleansed, so if there’s any justice in this world it’ll be that Duke gets a good ol’ fashioned pipe cleaning while in prison, hot sauce and laxatives optional.
Thankfully, none of the other three children displayed signs of abuse. The victim has reportedly been placed with other family members, while the other three were taken into the custody of Child and Youth Services.