Now that Barack Obama is no longer President of the United States of America, everyone is chomping at the bit for him to be the president of their thing. From Cards Against Humanity, a card game company that reached out to Obama through Craigslist, to the people of France, who asked for Barack to run for French President via a petition, Obama is the most wanted Chief Executive Officer free agent in the world.
With that in mind, here are five companies that we think Obama could really turn around if he was given the opportunity.
1. Chuck E. Cheese
Chuck E. Cheese was one of the most popular brands of the 1980s and 1990s. With the smell of cheap pizza and the weird singing robots, it used to be fun. If you haven’t been to Chuck E. Cheese in a while, I’m sorry to say it’s really damn terrifying. The pizza smells terrible. The arcade games are all very out of date. The robots are covered in mold and constantly pray for death. If Barack Obama can bail out our financial sector and bring us out of a recession, he can fix Chuck E. Cheese.
Blockbuster used to be the top dogs in home entertainment. The nation’s young people would flock to the video rental chain every weekend and spend their hard earned allowances renting only the best Steven Seagal action movies and Chris Farley comedies. Now, the company is basically non-existent. Save for a few franchise locations in the outskirts of society, you’d be hard pressed to find even a single Blockbuster in 2017. Barack Obama loves movies, and he seems like the type of guy who’d love to help out a down on its luck company like Blockbuster. Obama, please save Blockbuster just like how you saved the American auto industry.
Now, you might be saying to yourself, “Bryan, WWE is the top professional wrestling organization in the world.” It might be doing great financially, but the company makes some terrible choices when it comes to their talent roster. I can’t imagine that President Obama would allow the below average Roman Reigns to stink up the WWE roster on his watch. If there’s anyone that would prefer that the world warrior AJ Styles stand at the top of the WWE Empire over “The Big Dog” Roman Reigns, it’s Barack Obama. Obama, we beg you to run WWE and let everyone in the WWE Universe “Smell what Barack is cooking.”
4. No Fear
The No Fear clothing company used to be the most popular clothing brand on every middle school playground in the country. Now, they’re the most popular clothing item at the dumpster behind every middle school playground in the country. The only people who wear No Fear t-shirts are undercover cops and trash people. Obama said himself that he wants to spend his post presidential days in Hawaii selling sized medium white t-shirts so he wouldn’t have to make another decision again. I say, why don’t you upgrade that plan and start selling medium sized “No Fear” t-shirts? Barack Obama and No Fear. It’s a match made in marketing heaven. I’m sure Vice President Biden wouldn’t mind modeling those sweet No Fear shirts if you offered him a six-pack and asked nicely.
Let’s be honest here. Tim Cook is not doing a good job as head of Apple. The new Macbook Pro Laptops are getting terrible ratings. I don’t know a single person that owns an Apple Pencil. The different color choices on iPads are gaudy at best. Obama is a 55-year-old man. I’m not going to lie to myself and say he’ll be the next Steve Jobs, but I think the guy that killed Osama Bin Laden could probably do a pretty good job running one of the top technology companies in the world. At the very least, he would have vetoed the new touch bar and told them that removing the Superdrive from Macbooks was a terrible idea.
Bonus Number 6: Break.com
Come on President Obama, run our company for us. We can talk about Spider-Man all day and you can tell us who really killed JFK. We’ll even let you help us pick which fail videos to feature every week. Come on. It’ll be fun.