Header Photo: Universal Pictures / @garflyf (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
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Funny Tweets 6-15-18
Apparently being an adult means googling phone numbers that call you rather than answering them.
— Tim Bolton (@timbolton1) June 3, 2018
GOD: Hang a huge ball of fire in the sky, as the source of all light and life on Earth.
ANGEL: That’s beautiful.
GOD: If the humans stay in the light too long, it will burn the shit out of them
GOD: And give them cancer.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) June 15, 2018
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
— Cheish (@TheCheish) June 13, 2018
“ 1 bdrm New York City apartment located next to the water $2,600” https://t.co/qamTZ9EfXM
— Papi Ace (@_PapiAce) June 11, 2018
My siblings had a fight once and it went like this
Tyler: “Anything that comes out of your mouth is stupid!”
To this day I still laugh out loud in inappropriate settings because I randomly think of it.
— Natalie Ray (@_natalieray) March 29, 2018
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
— Gonzotrucker (@gonzotrucker) June 7, 2018
Daycare is so expensive I’ve done the math . . There’s a tipping point after your 3rd kid where it’s cheaper to just pay an Uber driver to circle the block all day w your kids in the backseat.
— buttweight their s’more (@davenewworld_) June 10, 2018
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
— snddoɥ ʞɹɐɯ (@markhoppus) June 11, 2018
shout out to my mom. im sorry i rolled my eyes when u were confused by pop culture. i get it now. i have no idea who the fuck bebe rexha or lil tay is. i never really found out about the laurel vs yanny thing. im confused and strangely angry and i wanna have a sit.
— i cant drive 2007 (@prophethusband) May 21, 2018
Scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should. pic.twitter.com/vb3fAZgzmt
— yeah ok (@poutinesmoothie) June 13, 2018
If I was in the movie Jaws I would simply stay out of the water, rendering the shark’s fury useless.
— chris (@garflyf) June 2, 2018
my ex boyfriend called me a house cat. he said, “you nap a lot, you disappear for a few hours & nobody knows wtf you do, you come back around and ask for attention then you push people away and nap again”
the accuracy though
— skye amber (@_skyeamber) June 10, 2018
People make the Biff/Trump comparison a lot, but I think people are overlooking the Francis from “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure”/Trump resemblance pic.twitter.com/3pvzS3BXqG
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) June 12, 2018
Gas is like $40/full tank
Carrots are like $1/pound
Ya boi is getting a horse.
— Fook. (@fookmusic) June 10, 2018
her: I hear you’re a painter
me: yes, landscapes mostly
her: anything I might’ve seen?
me (pointing out window): you see that purple tree out there?
— HughGoesThere (@HughGoesThere) June 14, 2018
I forced a bot to watch over 1,000 hours of Olive Garden commercials and then asked it to write an Olive Garden commercial of its own. Here is the first page. pic.twitter.com/CKiDQTmLeH
— Keaton Patti (@KeatonPatti) June 13, 2018
Lost my job at the history museum for telling people “all this shit is fake” and “there’s no such place as Egypt”
— (@yerpalmildsauce) June 11, 2018
YOU (dumb, doesn’t understand technology): It’s pronounced “gif” because the g stands for graphics
ME (brilliant, tech genius): The creator says it’s pronounced “jif”, look it up on joogle
— Terry F (@daemonic3) June 14, 2018
stand up comedian: here is a very developed observation that’s funny and will help inspire thought
internet comedian: lmao waluigi dumb thicc
— Kal (@captainkalvis) May 30, 2018
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.
— Marl (@Marlebean) June 7, 2018