Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / Cover image: @panmidwest (Twitter)
Another week means another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your Twitter-loving pleasure.
Give our top 20 tweets of the week a quick glance, enjoy a hearty laugh and then scurry off to your weekend, but first, remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. Their blood, sweat and tweets did not come easily, but again, neither did your weekend.
Tweet yourself to these, then follow us @Mandatory on Twitter.
How to brush your teeth:
1. Put toothpaste on brush
2. Do two quick strokes on each side of your mouth
3. Was that a text
4. Ha. Classic Gary
5. Respond to Gary
6. Oooh Instagram
7. Look at your phone for 7 minutes as the toothbrush hangs out of your mouth
8. Spit and rinse
— Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) September 10, 2018
it’s weird how old rich white men are trying to get rid of abortion when they’re always begging me to get one
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) September 8, 2018
Gwenyth Paltrow’s head from Seven https://t.co/wOS78PNx0C
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) September 11, 2018
If big bird was real we’d kill him in seconds and everyone knows it
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) September 7, 2018
Wife: Babe, I have some great news … I’m pregnant!!
Me: Omg honey that’s incredible!! I’m so happy!!
Wife: So this means you’ll have to clean the cat litter from now on.
Me: Hmm, I see. Are you sure we’re really ready to be parents?
— Gary Dudak (@dudakattack) September 13, 2018
i’m pretty sure i can detect fall bc the leaves start changing. nice try, Apple https://t.co/HPLxrc9H1g
— kim (@KimmyMonte) September 12, 2018
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) September 11, 2018
Criticizing Trump in a book is just unfair.
It’s like criticizing the Amish on television.
— Melanie (@PoliteMelanie) September 10, 2018
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 12, 2018
you know what sounds like a lot more fun? a gender conceal party. find out the baby’s gender then invite a bunch of friends and family over and refuse to tell them
— the pan-midwesterner (@panmidwest) September 13, 2018
— Rick Celis (@RickCelis) September 13, 2018
i’m tired https://t.co/2hi3WfjX7O
— Elizabeth May (@_ElizabethMay) September 13, 2018
So do flat earthers think they can dig to the bottom of the earth? https://t.co/zWpxDDcg1v
— Tristan (@AyoTristan) September 13, 2018
Great! Because we buy tickets based on who’s officiating that day. https://t.co/qqfmMFKGCc
— Wanda Sykes (@iamwandasykes) September 12, 2018
— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) September 12, 2018
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie: There are 4 rules
— Kyle (@KylePlantEmoji) May 18, 2018
I don’t know about you guys but when I hear a stranger putting keys in my door, the first thing I do is prepare to follow all their instructions. https://t.co/KK0RhyL6zy
— Travon Free (@Travon) September 11, 2018
actually there was a september 11th just one year ago https://t.co/axDdhCgbeo
— the pan-midwesterner (@panmidwest) September 11, 2018
Maybe if we start calling it Father Earth instead of Mother Earth, the GOP will stop trying to fuck it.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 11, 2018
TSA: are u carrying any firearms or explosives?
Me: *points to crotch* u mean this bomb pussy?
TSA: why do u always do this?
— Heidi Paterson (@ImHeidiPaterson) February 9, 2013