Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / Cover image: @MehGyver (Twitter)
Another week means another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your twisted Twitter-loving pleasure.
Give our top 20 tweets of the week a quick glance, enjoy a hearty laugh and then scurry off into your weekend, but first, remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. Their blood, sweat and tweets did not come easily, but again, neither did your weekend.
Tweet yourself to these, then follow us @Mandatory on Twitter.
if I have to congratulate you for getting married then you have to congratulate me for being able to fuck anyone I want
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) September 20, 2018
Dating a comedian & asking her not to write jokes about u is like dating a sky diver and asking him not to use a parachute
— Kate Quigley (@KateQFunny) September 21, 2018
Saying “Now let’s take a silly one” after a group photo
— Things White Folks Like (@Things4WhitePpl) September 20, 2018
LADY GAGA: im ugly
BRADLEY: no ur not
LADY GAGA: ahhh
BRADLEY: ur beautiful
LADY GAGA: aahhhhhhhhh
BRADLEY: so beautiful
LADY GAGA: AHHhHAAAHAAAHAAaaAAH
MOVIE CRITICS: this is good
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) September 20, 2018
Heard that Burt Reynolds was laid out nude on a bearskin rug at his funeral. Very tasteless imo
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) September 14, 2018
I’m really glad I’m not a mushroom today.
— Half An Onion (@HalfOnionInABag) September 18, 2018
CAN DENNIS RIFF?! WILL YOU ALLOW HIM TO RIFF?!? #SunnyFXX
— It’s Always Sunny (@alwayssunny) September 13, 2018
Just because he masturbated with his buddy? Seems extreme. https://t.co/gXvERbn18g
— Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) September 14, 2018
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) May 5, 2017
I was class of ‘79 & signed this letter. https://t.co/5ssttu9uzT
— Julia Louis-Dreyfus (@OfficialJLD) September 17, 2018
MARIO KART IS TRENDING OMG I BET A NEW GAME IS COMI… pic.twitter.com/qWImljDdsg
— Tony Posnanski (@tonyposnanski) September 18, 2018
I count six white women and seven white men. pic.twitter.com/f1tzfF05k1
— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) September 20, 2018
i’m not stable enough to handle whatever this is pic.twitter.com/Tst4WYqEfY
— ceeks (@70Ceeks) September 17, 2018
Madonna was hospitalized in the 80s after Sean Penn hit her with a baseball bat, so his thoughts on Me Too are super relevant and necessary.
— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) September 17, 2018
The plot thins. https://t.co/2kF8dvWofE
— Moshe Kasher (@moshekasher) September 13, 2018
It’s very normal to quietly keep a list of 65 people you haven’t tried to rape.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) September 14, 2018
BIGGEST GUY IN PRISON EVERY TIME THERE’S A NEW PRISONER: What the—why does this keep happening to me??
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) September 14, 2018
if fleetwood mac could write “rumors” on a wild monthslong coke binge while they were all breaking up with each other then i can make it through this week
— amy brown (@arb) September 13, 2018
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 12, 2018
Cereal is the substitute when you can’t get your hands on real dessert. It’s the methadone of sweets.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 20, 2018