Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) Cover Image @AndyRichter (Twitter)
When a week ends, a collection of funniest tweets is born for your twisted Twitter-loving pleasure.
Give our top 20 tweets of the week a quick glance, enjoy a hearty laugh and then scurry off into your weekend, but first, remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. Their blood, sweat and tweets did not come easily, but again, neither did your weekend.
Tweet yourself to these, then follow us @Mandatory on Twitter.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) May 14, 2018
When a Cure song comes on in the grocery store: pic.twitter.com/anBUJrHM75
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) October 25, 2018
Everyone on the left needs to stop being so dramatic. Clearly these were just locker room bombs or some kind of drinking game.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) October 24, 2018
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
— The Halloween Hype (@TheHyyyype) October 20, 2018
(loudly, so the entire bar can hear me): I GUESS I’LL JUST TAKE MY BUSINESS ELSEWHERE
Bartender: they won’t serve you an “extra large martini” either
— Travis (hump day mode) (@Prof_Hinkley) October 25, 2018
Red eyes, full nose, can’t sneeze.
— bren (@beast_coast_b) October 24, 2018
murderer: [cocking gun] any last words
me: the song “jingle bells” technically doesn’t have any reference to christmas, only to snow and wintertime, so theoretically we should be able to sing it into january and february
murderer: [putting down gun] holy shit
— viking! (@NOTVIKING) October 24, 2018
I’m gonna need a fruit basket. https://t.co/0lqsRkO9Qs
— Wanda Sykes (@iamwandasykes) October 24, 2018
Cop: [handcuffing me] you have the right to remain silent.
Cop’s partner: can he do that?
[30 seconds later]
Cop’s partner: [from back seat] turn up the radio.
— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) August 15, 2018
torn between getting chinese food for dinner and just fucking dying
— Pokémon Trainer Rads (@FeelingEuphoric) October 23, 2018
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
— Kyle (@KylePlantEmoji) September 17, 2018
uh oh, bible museum, i’ve got worse newshttps://t.co/tvueFWX15Y
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) October 22, 2018
Nice work, computer. pic.twitter.com/tvBgphbegQ
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) October 21, 2018
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) October 21, 2018
Michael Myers is a normal guy doing normal things except for the mask. https://t.co/hVbrZyjwTt
— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) October 22, 2018