So here we are once more at the end of October. The last day of this month used to be marked by a celebration designed to take our minds off of the darker, colder days ahead. We distracted ourselves with sugary stuff, costumes and the sound of screaming.
Sort of like being at Richard Simmons’ house.
Old school Halloween was a glorious thing. Kids loved it. Adults loved it. The fun was so intoxicating that we could even interact with our neighbors and not hate it for a night.
Then the hippies in academia and their pointy-toothed social justice warrior minions got ahold of it and turned it into a monumental joy suck.
“Colleges have reason to fear this time of year. In 2015, Yale University’s Intercultural Affairs Committee sent an email advising students to avoid culturally insensitive costumes, leading to one of the most widely discussed campus controversies of last year.
“Halloween is unfortunately a time when the normal thoughtfulness and sensitivity of most Yale students can sometimes be forgotten and some poor decisions can be made…”
REASON TO FEAR.
OK, that may have been a little disturbing.
It is no secret that almost anything that is undeniably enjoyable will eventually be attacked by some constipated gathering of people with a cause. It is also no secret that people get causes because they can’t get sex, friends, or a decent fast-food burger. They’re truly miserable so they seek out other miserable people with whom to congregate.
Then they get to know each other, which just makes them more miserable. After that, the mission is always to make sure everyone else soaks in the hot tub of misery with them. When they cast their angry eyes about and see both children and adults enjoying themselves at the same time, it’s the most target-rich environment they will ever find.
It is in that context that a magazine like GQ, which is currently tackling such topics of depth as “Let TJ Miller Teach You How to Groom All (Yes ALL) Your Body Hair,” presumes to lecture on racism and Halloween costumes.
Sorry GQ, I got sidetracked by your in-depth journalistic endeavor, “How to Ask Your Barber for the Most Requested Fade Haircuts Right Now.” With that kind of think piece, I will totally trust your sociopolitical fare. Now that you’ve written the Pulitzer-worthy “Coach Just Made Your New Favorite High-Tops” can you weigh in on the latest developments in string theory too?
If the snarling misery mongers get lazy and don’t feel like looking for real people to bitch about, they go after fictional people.
“Blizzard has been subject to a lot of social justice outrage over the past few years. From a public call-out of the female designs in Heroes of the Storm to the mental gymnastics that forced the developers of World of Warcraft to rename a ship because it may have been potentially misogynistic, the studio seems to court controversy without even intending to.
Its latest title, Overwatch, is no stranger to controversy from social justice warriors. Not too long ago, its developers were accused of cultural appropriation when one of the character skins for Symmetra depicted that of a Hindu goddess, Devi. A month prior, SJWs were upset by one of Tracer’s poses, which was deemed “too sexy” and inappropriate, given her otherwise playful demeanor.
Will Overwatch ever catch a break? Evidently not. The latest outrage against the online first-person shooter comes from social media this time around, with many on Tumblr and Twitter voicing their anger over new Halloween-themed skins for the characters Symmetra and Pharah.”
I’m a guy who routinely screams at my television when multi-millionaire athletes do something I don’t like and I can’t begin to imagine the level of irrationality and rage needed to be offended by a costume worn by a video game character. I mean, I would have preferred that Lara Croft spice up the outfits occasionally but I wasn’t a completely unhinged jagoff about it.
We’ve agreed to remain friends, by the way.
“So, what are you in for?”
“A Washington Redskins jersey.”
Face it: it’s a given that you are going to offend someone if you decide to dress in costume and go out this Halloween. Even if you dress in costume and stay in, you can bet that one of the NSA people who hacked your computer camera had hippie parents and will be silently outraged while watching you and your solo festivities. In light of this, here are a few tips to maximize both the tears of the SJWs and your fun.
1: Invest In An Air Horn
Over the years, I’ve found that just tuning out SJWs who are offering unsolicited opinions isn’t always possible. They travel in packs, are very loud, and usually spit a lot when they talk. Even duct tape becomes a problem with that much moisture. You can stop the opinion mid-sentence and make a quick getaway if you just hold an air horn over your head and blast away each time they begin to talk. It’s safe and legal (for now). You’ll buy yourself a few extra seconds if you point over their shoulders and yell, “Look, free college!”
2: Two Words: Naughty Harambe
This is a fairly easy costume to assemble. All you need is a gorilla suit, some fishnets, and fake blood for an exit wound. The myriad groups you’ll offend with this are almost too numerous to mention. You can really get them running for the safe spaces by simply accessorizing with a t-shirt that says, “I culturally appropriated your mom.” Harambe totally would have worn one if he’d known they were going to shoot him.
3: Use The Handy Guides
Simply Google “halloween offensive” and you’ll be flooded with hundreds of links to articles from the finger-wagging fun suckers telling you what not to wear on Halloween. In an effort to make your life difficult, they’ve inadvertently made it easier by providing suggestions for exactly what will upset them the most. Pick one and be free, fellow traveler, on the YOLO highway.
Have fun, don’t apologize, and maybe next year your costume will make a list.
Stephen Kruiser is a professional stand-up comic and writer who has had the honor of entertaining U.S. troops all over the world.